This site

is absolutely amazing. What? A shrink who emphasizes personal responsibility, and gasp, self-control? Who doesn't apparently default to pills, but doesn't piss on them for those who need them, either? This is gold:

But your past behavior doesn't influence your future behavior; you just think it does. You choose to believe you are "that kind of person" but really, at any moment you can be any kind of person you want.

He put that in his comments for this post.

This codifies most of what I believe:

But what about-- identity? That's the mistake, that's bad faith. Thinking that our past is us; what we did defines us. Our past can be judged-- what else is there to judge?- but it can't-- shouldn't-- define us, because at any moment we are free to change into something, anything else. And so, too, we can be judged for not changing.

Ultimately, you are responsible for everything you do and think. Not for what happens to you, but for how you choose to react. Nothing else made you be. Nothing else made you do.

His posts in that vein are mostly directed at the traits of narcissism (the clinical condition, not overinflated ego), but nonetheless, this particular point is salient for most anyone.

I've made some God-awful mistakes in my past. I've done some great things in my past. I've been full of shit for a lot of years because of things that happened to me in my past. Not because they happened, but because I reacted badly to them. When shunned by my peers, instead of trying to be a more interesting or more affable person, I decided to become antisocial, I defaulted to that due to entropy, but it was eminently preventable. Indeed, the option was laid out before me when my dad quoted Solomon at a church function: "if a man would have friends, he must first show himself friendly."

At this church event, I wanted to go talk to a girl I liked, but I was too angry. Not at her, but at people, at everyone, because "nobody liked me," people thought I was weird, an outsider, a pariah (yes, Maalac, I use your word from time to time.) Or at least, I perceived those thoughts about me. In truth, many did. But not among that group of people. They knew me: I was odd, much too smart, but I was okay in their book. But I projected my experience with the First Home-School Set (who fancied me a Satanist, let me remind you) onto people at my church. Years later, after said girl was off and engaged, I found out through a mutual friend that she really had liked me and was very curious about me. She would ask my advice on things, and try to converse. I would talk to her, say hi--I would even make it a point to walk up to her and smile and say hello, sometimes. But I came off as too aloof: I stuck to the facts she mentioned in her queries, not the emotions behind them. She knew I had a crush on her, but I never made a move. I was a wimp. I missed out.

I continued to be that way until I was about 17 or 18, when I was forced to interact at my first job. That did me a lot of good. My peers there respected me, and as I worked my way up, I had their loyalty and friendship. I still keep in touch with a couple of people from the old stomping grounds.

But I started down my dark path when I was 12 or 13. A lot of things were involved; the death of my grandfather didn't help much. But I can't blame externalities when I knew the problem and I knew the solution, and still clung to my own bitterness and self-pity. I still suffer the emotional consequences of six years of consistently bad decisions, of 25% of my life spent in a wrong mindset: I still fear rejection. I know I wear it on my sleeve sometimes. It's not at all embarrassing to admit, though: it doesn't matter that I fear rejection, since it's not what I feel but what I do that matters.

After much soul-searching, I chose to overcome those things. 2006 and 2007, I spent in an almost-insanely introspective, introverted state. I tore my mind down and rebuilt it, in as much as a mind can be torn down and rebuilt in so short a time. I did a crappy job and I burn a lot of oil, but it's better than being propped up in the front lawn on cinder-blocks.

Towards the end of last year, I made it a point to ask for numbers, even if I never intended to call. Even if I knew I had no chance. Even if I knew the gal would say no. I got numbers. I discovered I can be charming and even amiable when the mood strikes me. I'd say "hello" to random people, not just women, but anyone. A lot of times I'd get weird looks, but sometimes someone would stop and say hi, and sometimes I had interesting conversations. Usually with gals, but occasionally some older gentleman would stop and we'd talk about the War or how prices have gone up, or some other thing old people talk about (because I felt my peers disliked me, most of my social interaction as a youth was with people 30 or older, not that 30 is old, mind, but it should explain a great deal.) Is that weird? Yes. Some thought it was creepy, I'm sure: strangers don't say "hello" in the 21st century unless they're trying to sell something, be it Jesus(TM)* or a new toaster oven. Maybe in the 11th, yes, but not today.

*Jesus(TM) is not to be confused with Jesus Christ the carpenter from Nazareth, who just so happened to be the Son of the Living God who died for the sins of the world--King of Kings, Lord of Lords, to whom goes blessings, honor, glory and power, Amen. To quote the sales pamphlet:
"Jesus(TM) is no king or judge! He's your drinking buddy! And he thinks America is totally kick...erm...butt. In fact, we heard through the grapevine, our nation is next in line for the Holy Trinity! Go US! We'll come out on top in Armageddon. Take that, The Antichrist(TM): pwn'd! Jesus(TM) and The Antichrist(TM) are registered trademarks of American Christianity, Mostly Evangelical! Corporation (NASD: ACME.)"

Lately these old wounds have bothered me a lot. I don't rightly know why. I kind of sunk back into my old routine. Constant vigilance is necessary, non? I got very depressed about these things a couple weeks ago, and embarrassed myself at a late-night coffee-run. I felt like an idiot. I was. And I've done the same kind of thing several times, in different circumstances. I chose to follow what I felt, not what I knew to be the right course of action. My feelings and what is best for me can be mutually exclusive at times.

Despite my progress, I never quite thought of it so succinctly as The Last Psychiatrist has put it. He really brought a lot of things back to mind, and reminded me that I am not ruled by my history, I rule my future. I don't chase after identity, I'm Ian, and Ian can be Ian one day, and then Ian the next day, and then a completely different Ian the following day. I choose not to be flighty about who I am. I remain consistent in the ways that really matter, I've discussed those (love, kindness, loyalty, etc.) But as for the ancillary? I do what I want.

I wish I could say I didn't care about what others think about me. I do. How I allow that to affect me is what matters.

And whether any of us likes it or not, whether or not we are comfortable with the amount of control we have over our lives, we must own our actions. For better or worse, we must.

If we don't, we drift along and let life happen to us.

If we don't, we are forever Prisoners in The Village.

But if we do, we leave that wall-less prison, we become true individuals, we can lead great lives, regardless of condition, regardless of past. We then own our futures.

Actually, we own our futures now. Too often, we think we don't.